Trashy Criminology: The Hilarious Crimes of Rednecks

Beaters (two kinds: vehicles and shirts), cheap beer, weed, tussin, a million dirty kids, a trailer with a curtain for a door, pocket change for salami and Pepsi, and a twelve-day meth bender.

What does that spell? REDNECK!

Poverty and ignorance are often no joke, but the crimes of rednecks often are. From citing Redneck as a religion on a police report to choosing a burglary outfit that looks more like a demented grandma Halloween costume, rednecks are good at committing crimes most hilariously.

Drunk Driving

Drunk driving kills a lot of people every year, which is not very funny at all. However, Kelly Michael Bachmeier was probably trying to think of ways he could help lighten the stigma surrounding drunk driving when he got into his pickup truck completely naked and completely drunk. He was driving down the wrong side of US 19 when cops caught him and pulled him over.

The police had to taser him just so he would exit the vehicle, and he was dragged down to the precinct naked for his mugshot. Criminology says that drunk driving is done primarily by males, and combines the very American sports of drinking and pursuing leisure activities into one dangerous event. However, rednecks don’t care about criminology studies or statistics; you’re just as likely to see a redneck woman driving under the influence as you are a man. One woman, the oddly named Crystal M Vanderschaaf, was wasted as she sideswiped another car on a highway (also in Florida) — while her 3 year old baby was in the back.

At least Bachmeier had the sense not to bring any children along. Maybe he just didn’t have any handy. The best news story of drunk driving, however, comes from Pennsylvania. A 63-year-old woman crashed her motorized scooter at 4:30AM, flipping it over in the alleyways of her trailer park. The report said she had been “crawling around her yard”.

Ridiculous Weaponry

Florida seems to be a white trash magnet — the dumbest, most ridiculous crimes seem to stem from Florida. From absolutely retarded teenagers taping their ‘friend’ getting a beating before uploading it to YouTube, to dingus adults stabbing the disabled after mistaking sign language for gang signs, there is no end to the ridiculous crimes Florida can produce.

In Daytona, a man used an alligator as his weapon of choice against his girlfriend, swinging it in her face as she tried to escape the couple’s apartment. David Havenner had been keeping the alligator in his bath tub, using it against her only after he had punched the woman and thrown beer bottles at her in their trailer. In another appropriately WTF twist, Havenner claims that the pair were arguing because his girlfriend bit his hand, upset that they had run out of alcohol.

Havenner was sentenced to six months in jail. Havenner isn’t the only one to use a deadly animal as a weapon; Tony Smith of North Carolina used a snake to threaten a man complaining that the music coming from his hotel room was too loud. He was charged with assault and battery, but scared the crap out of Jeffrey Culp, who admitted to being terrified by snakes before the attack.

Family Fun

Rednecks and white trash lunatics usually commit the craziest crimes against their own families. Just look at the Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia, a heart-wrenching documentary about an extremely large and trashy family who is known throughout their community for being mean, ignorant criminals who enjoy nothing more than drugs, alcohol, and fighting. With multiple family members locked up in prison or on probation for being career criminals, it is the neglected children who suffer the most in the midst of substance abuse, little education, and crime.

However, neglected children are not part of ‘hilarious redneck crimes’ and will therefore be disregarded from this point on — except for Shon Robinson, an absolute baby trapped in a 22 year old man’s body. When Robinson asked to borrow his mother’s car, she said no and braced for the temper tantrums she was so used to enduring when he failed to get his way. Robinson promptly retreated upstairs, grabbed a gun, and began destroying his own house. He shot through the windows, walls and ceilings until his mother used her excellent parenting skills to deter him — by smashing him over the head with a glass jar.

Amazingly, it worked, and Robinson ran away with his tail tucked between his legs. He was charged with Having Weapons Under Disability, which we can only imagine was ‘moron’. At least he wasn’t trying to murder anyone, unlike a man in — surprise, Florida — who tried to murder his wife by driving his truck into the Wafflehouse where she waitressed. Charles Patrick O’Bryan failed to kill her, despite his pickup truck being rammed through the storefront, and emerged from the vehicle with a knife. Instead of attacking his wife, however, he was stopped by an upstanding citizen who grabbed a metal shard and protected her until the authorities arrived.

Alcohol Rules All

Rednecks love to drink. Have you ever heard of a white trash citizen or blazing redneck who didn’t? Constant drinking not only destroys your liver, but it corrodes the mind as well. Evidence of this is commonly seen within the redneck community, as crime and incidents related to alcohol are rampant.

Getting drunk can especially be a problem if the drinker has a date with her probation officer. 21 year old Jessalyn knew she was in trouble when her probation meeting was fast approaching; she would much rather be drinking than trying to put her life back in order. Instead of calling in sick or faking a family emergency like most people who are trying to weasel out of an obligation, Jessalyn simply had her friends stab her in the arms and stomach. As if that wasn’t dumb enough, Jessalyn and her two stupid friends were too wasted to keep their loud, drunk mouths shut at the emergency room — and confessed almost immediately.

She now faces up to five years in prison for having herself stabbed. Another drunk dingus, only 18 years old, was arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct at an illegal party in Alabama. He had initially tried to run, but the police tackled him without much trouble. Bound at the wrists, he then took off again — and jumped into a lake, where he would have drowned if one of the arresting officers hadn’t been nice enough to drag him out. It was at least less violent than Brandon Smelser’s crime, who was having a party in Kansas when he was arrested.

Apparently, no one hates crappy beer more than Smelser, who stabbed his ‘friend’ for showing up to the party with Natty Light. He is being charged with attempted murder while the other boy sits in the hospital with life-threatening injuries.

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