The Big 3: Exercise Products Guaranteed To Make You Fat

When your job is sitting around making lists about stupid things that stupid people do in between rounds of golf at The Riv and LA Country Club (if they’ll let me back), I catch ads on TV that no one should ever see. There are more, but these are three of them – well two, and one for old time’s sake.

3. The Ab Lounge

Ab Lounge: An ab workout that’s like sedentary reclining.

There’s nothing that says washboard abs like a Lay-Z-Boy recliner equipped with a 6-pack cooler and a receptacle so you can get drunk, $hit, and watch the game without having to get up and do anything at all.

Target Demographic: The think tank at Ab Lounge took all the benefits of doing nothing and put it in an ab workout. For the first time, people who want an intense ab workout can get one by not doing their favorite thing not to do – anything. And if people try not to try hard enough, they just might be able to get that 6-pack they’ve always wanted, from the cooler in their Lay-Z-Boy, so long as they manage to roll themselves out of their Ab Lounge.

Why it makes you fatter: The only way you get a workout is by doing the work. You bought the Ab Lounge because you don’t like to do work. Transitively, you won’t do work in your Ab Lounge because you bought it primarily for the latter half if its name. Now you have two recliners, and consequently, you’re starting to look like Mo’Nique.

2. The Hawaii Chair

Hawaii Chair: “If you can sit, you can get fit.”

Target Demographic: Similar to the Ab Lounge, the Hawaii Chair caters to an audience that wants results but prefers to relax. If you’ve never been to Hawaii and have always wanted to, or if you’re from the Dustbowl, you’ve probably looked into the “shake the fu©king $hit out of your fat ass” Hawaii Chair.

Who wouldn’t want a workout that’s like a vacation in Hawaii? If you can manage to stay in your chair you’ve succeeded. If you can stay in your Hawaii Chair and manage to hit the correct keys on your keyboard while being shaken like a fruit tree during picking season, you’re a seasoned vet.

Why it fails: Because if you manage to stay in the chair for a long enough time to get a workout, the chair breaks in half.

1. Wonder Sauna Long Hot Pants

Wonder Sauna Hot Pants: “The more your genitals sweat, the thinner you get!”

Target Demographic: Hot Pants, though recently discontinued, were designed for the person thin enough to fit into them, and self conscious enough to buy them. The person must also be confortable wearing what they are used to sleeping on when camping in luxury.

Why they make you fatter: Besides making your balls sweat like the eyes of a thirteen year old girl watching Titantic, wrapping an inflatable air matress around your waist gives you the false sense that you are actually losing weight. You will feel invincible at McDonald’s and order twice what you normally do and infinitely more than you should.

Final thoughts: Combine the Wonder Sauna Long Hot pants with the Hawaii Chair for best results.

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