The Star Mangled Banner: 6 Mind Deafeningly Awesomely Terrible Renditions Of The US National Anthem


Similar lists have been made, but I needed to compile my own because every one I have seen includes Roseanne being obnoxious, and omits the complete audio file of Carl Lewis butchering the United States’ National Anthem — which is, in my opinion, the cornerstone of any Star Mangled Banner compilation.

Because July 4th is right around the corner, I wear my patriotism low on my brow and present The Star Mangled Banner: 6 Mind Deafening Awesomely Terrible Renditions Of The US National Anthem (And Two Other Butcherings).

6. California’s Castro Valley High School’s 2008 Homecoming

You would think Castro Valley High ASB would hold some sort of audition for this sort of thing, and they probably did, only the ostrich squawking into the microphone was probably also in charge of holding the auditions.

5. Kat DeLuna In Dallas

If you’re going to butcher the Anthem, you might as well do so with your chest out and your chin up. In 2008, 20 year-old Kat DeLuna did just that – which strangely reminds me of the time I walked to kindergarten with no pants on, arrogant and failing to notice my pants were amiss and my tighty-whities, like DeLuna’s voice, were sharply accented with the residue of an improperly wiped 6 year-old ass.

Embarrassing? Sure, but not as embarrassing as doing it in front of 56 thousand strangers would have been.

4. Really Enthusiastic Dude

“Who bright stripes and bright stars!”

3. Ice Hockey Girl

Once you blow the National Anthem and consciously decide to drop the mic and run for cover, never, ever, ever, ever, return to mic and try to resume singing to an angry grip of hockey fans, especially when it means returning to the ice.

2. Carl Lewis

The video needs to be watched to get a feel of where this classic butchering takes place, but to fully understand what went down in 1993, you must listen to the audio file below. It’s genius, really.

Carl Lewis – National Anthem

1. Police Officer In Chattanooga Tennessee

Should have won an Oscar for editing.

Butchering: The B-Team, ‘Cause The A-Team Had Better Shit To Do

Which country’s National Anthem this is is irrelevant. What really matters is that you hear the one dude in the back of the B-team that keeps blowing a single note, not loud enough to stand out, but just loud enough to be heard.

It’s like when you’re driving in the car trying to sing along to a song you don’t know very well and your buddy turns the song down to say something, and all of a sudden it’s just you and hum of the engine, so you mumble a few more words toward the window and pretend like you knew what you were singing before it got awkward. It’s like that, just with brass instruments that sound like kazoos.

Butchering #2: O’mazing Grace

Because Amazing Grace wouldn’t have been as O’mazingly terrible. It’s not a National Anthem, but it might as well have been.

Michael Cera + Andy Samberg = Jesse Eisenberg

Touché Bentley