“There’s food in beer, but no beer in foodâ€¦”
Because in just a few hours the mid-summer classic will commence, and because you probably spent so much money on your tickets that you can no longer afford a drink at the game, we’ve compiled a list of necessary alcohol smuggling devices that any fan of sports and drinking will appreciate.
The products are in no particular order, because we don’t want to offend any one deviceâ€¦
The Beer Belly
The Beer Belly is one of the most creatively designed alcohol smuggling devices to date. It functions in the same way the CamelBak does to hydrate athletes, only the Beer Belly reduces the process down for the fan who vehemently believes (as he should) that sporting events were made to watch drunk.
It’s going to put you back $34.95 (or $49.95 for the deluxe version) so if splurging on the necessary drinking device means you can’t afford your next few meals, remember, there’s food in beer but no beer in food.
Price: $34.95 at thebeerbelly.com
The Wine Rack
If the Beer Belly is Tommy Fratboy’s partner in crime, the Wine Rack is Sally Sorority Slag’s or Patricia Pirate’s (sunken chest) double-threat.
The chest-flask holds an impressive 750ml or 25oz of liquid, enough to keep any girl of any size saturated (and busty) for several hours.
Price: $29.95 at thebeerbelly.com
One of my favorite drinking companions comes in the form of a collapsible, durable, reusable, freezable, non-metallic, undetectable liquor pouch â€“ essentially a Capri-Sun for men.
I’ve only used Disposaflasks 6oz flask and I vouch for them, but after stumbling on Florida’s finest, I have a new product I need to get my hands on.
Binoculars are no longer only designed for allowing fans to see what is happening on-field from the nosebleeds (aka looking for hot chicks in the crowd).
The introduction of Barnoculars to the Alcohol Smuggling Arsenal means any smart fan can bring 16oz (8oz in each compartment) of their favorite liquor inside any stadium without being harassed â€“ it’s genius, really.
The thing I love about this product is that you can bring two types of alcohol in one device (or a chaser if you’re that kinda guy).
Price: $19.99 at prankplace.com
Reef Dram Sandals
After introducing walking to drinking with their bottle-opener soled sandals, Reef ups the ante with the Dram. Located in the sole of each sandal is a 1.5oz flask that makes smuggling high-proof alcohol into any ballpark as easy as getting hit by another man’s piss at the Dodger Stadium troughs.
Reef Dram Sandals are the perfect accent to a pregnant Beer Belly.
Price: #34.99 at amazon.com
If you’re in the market for smuggling lots of alcohol in places you’re not allowed to and the Beer Belly isn’t quite your style, think about the 24oz Sneaky Shorts, aka the ghetto-booty.
No one will suspect a thing when you reach up you shorts and a golden stream of frothy liquid pours out of your left leg and into your buddys mouth.
Price: $21.95 at cellphoneflasks.com
Another promising high-capacity alcohol smuggler comes in the form of a padded seat cushion that stores up to 750ml. Fat guys don’t worry, the Sippin Seat claims to hold over 300lbs of human atop a pillowy bed of booze!
Price: $34.95 at cellphoneflasks.com