6. Arius’ Ass Gas Catastrophe
336 BC: Arius, was a notorious heretical priest who precipitated the Council of Nicea. It is rumored that Arius passed wind and consequently the thunder dumpling evacuated his internal organs, resulting in his untimely and pungent death.
Church Father and Heresiologist Epiphanius of Salamis describes him, â€œtall and lean, of distinguished appearance and polished address. Women doted on him, charmed by his beautiful manners, touched by his appearance of asceticism. Men were impressed by his aura of intellectual superiority.â€
However upon his death and eventual autopsy, men were less impressed to find that his “aura of intellectual superiority” was actually just his leaky anus precipitating noxious fumes before his massive ass-blast caused him to spontaneously self-combust.
Is it true? Sure, why not? it reminds me of that video of the female weight lifter who pisses her pants and tries to cover it up by spreading it all over the floor with her foot – only Arius doesn’t piss his pants, he shats his life out of his anus and into his pants.
5. Marcus Licinius Crassus Knows “Where Da Gol’ At“
53 BC: Roman General, Marcus Licinius Crassus was executed by having molten gold poured down his throat following his defeat at Carrhae at the hands of the Parthians. Some accounts claim that his head was then cut off and used as a stage prop in a play performed for the Parthian King Orodes II.
Now that’s what you call a golden shower.
Is it true? I say yes, it’s the most plausible of the six. Plus after Crassus died, the Pathians would have been left with a solid cold cast of the general’s bowels, and who doesn’t want that?
4. The Fig Newton Misfortune
207 BC: Chrysippus, a Greek Stoic Philosopher, is believed to have died of laughter after watching his drunk donkey attempt to eat figs.
Further investigation suggests he was stoned off his ass. Equipped with red eyes, cottonmouth, and a hunger to rival Chris Farley, Chrysippus joined his donkey in fig munching before accidentally lodging the fruit in his windpipe and dying of a “he-art atteeyak,” a la Farley’s Pat O’Connor talking “Ditka” and choking on a Polish Sausage.
Is it true? The fact that this Stoic got his donkey drunk raises several questions. Did he really laugh to death? Did he perhaps choke to death? Or did he have an encounter similar to that of the Mr. Hands Horse incident?
3. The Volcano Volunteer
430 BC: Empedocles, a Pre-Socratic philosopher, jumped into an active volcano (Mt. Etna) to prove his immortality. What Empedocles failed to understand was that he was a human, and like Jewish people know too well, humans can’t handle extreme heat.
What would he have done had he survived?
“Come on guys, can you gimme a hand out of this volcano? It’s really not that hot… Guys?”
Is it true? Better be.
2. The Bald Bard Head Bonk
458 BC: Aeschylus, Greek playwright most notably known for composing the least read, but most assigned play, The Oresteia, was killed when a Bald Eagle dropped a live tortoise on him, mistaking his bald head for a stone hard enough to crack the reptile’s shell.
The tortoise, unlike Aeschylus, survived.
Is it true? It’s doubtful – But regardless, because I was forced at gun point to read The Oresteia, I would throw a tortoise at Aeschylus, but mostly just to see the expression pictured above. Thank you Kyle Gass.
1. Fillet Of St. “Gridiron” Lawrence, Well Done
Sometime AD: St Lawrence was executed by being barbecued on a large metal gridiron at Rome. Images of him often show him holding the instrument of his execution in one hand, and a juicy St. Lawrence hamstring steak in the other… so tender.
Legend says that he was so strong-willed that instead of giving in to the Romans and releasing information about the Church, at the point his skin began to show grill marks, he exclaimed “Manduca, iam coctum est,” meaning “Eat, for it is well done.”
Is it true? The fact that the Latin quote is still around shows antequity and authenticity. Consequently, It’s no less true than the Bible, so it’s probably entirely fictional…