A few weeks ago, I spotted this gem of a woman. If you didn’t get to send her an email, fret not! For I have found 8 more women who may fit your mold of perfection.
I’m glad I don’t have a subscription to Cosmo because I’m sure it would end in a murder-suicide. The reason being is that I imagine every article to be like the one I’m about to share you with you fine readers. While browsing for internet porn, I was hit with a link called “Why I Cheated.” The article in question is a list of 8 reasons why women cheated on their significant other.
Warning: The following contains whore-speak which may be dangerous to your mental and logical health. Reader discretion is advised.
Reason #1 There’s No Passion
“I had been with John for about three years he was a really nice guy, and I enjoyed being with him, but there wasn’t a ton of passion.”
If only there were a phrase for this kind of female and male interaction… Oh there is. Platonic friends. You’re welcome.
“Most everyone we knew had gotten engaged, and though John would have proposed in a second, whenever he brought it up, I’d change the subject.”
“The reason I brought you here tonight is because I wanted this to be a special moment for us. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I think I want to spend the rest of my life-”
“Where is that waiter? It’s been like 5 minutes. I clearly need a refill on my water. The service at this place is horrid.”
“I’m sure he’ll be around. What I wanted to ask though is if you’d-”
“God, I’m so bloated. I think I’m going to order a salad tonight.”
*Shuts ring box, makes mental note to kill self.*
“I took a trip to Australia for work, and while I was gone, I got together with a co-worker to whom I’d always been insanely attracted. I had a fantastic trip, probably because for the first time in a long time I experienced that excitement I’d been missing.”
“I experienced that excitement I’d been missing… getting railed by a co-worker and betraying my loving boyfriend while he wondered how my trip was going.”
“I broke up with John soon after I returned home, and began dating the guy from the trip.”
“But not before my co-worker and I had lots of sex on our bed while John was working overtime.”
“Even though I’m not super-proud of my actions, things ended up for the best: After dating for a few years, the guy from the trip and I got married, and we’re incredibly happy together.”
Yes, a relationship based on lies, secrecy, and infidelity is totally the type of precedent to pursue a relationship. Lesson learned kids: cheating is bad unless you meet your future spouse.
Giselle, 30, Montvale, NJ
Well at least THAT makes sense.
Reason #2 To delay a breakup
“Right before I was going to break up with my ex, Sean, he found out that he had to put his beloved dog to sleep. He was so broken up about it that I didn’t have the heart to end things, so I waited a month or so until he was in better shape.”
“When things seemed to be better and I was ready, he lost his job, so I felt like I was back to square one”
Putting his dog to sleep and losing his job in a month? Man, it’s a good thing he has such a loving and supportive girlfriend by his side…
“By that time, I had met someone else that I really wanted to start seeing, so I went ahead and did it.”
This confuses me. The girl did her best by putting off the break-up, so he’d only have to eat a single layer sh-t sandwich. Then on a whim, she decides, “Nope, not good enough. I need to cheat on this dog-killing, job losing son of a bitch.” Then does.
“I eventually ended things, never telling Sean about my extra-curricular dating. I think I rationalized that I was trying to spare his feelings.”
I rationalize it with you being an evil whore. Tomato, tomahto.
Stacy, 30, Lexington, KY
And they lived happily ever after… in a double wide.
Reason #3: Because absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder
“My boyfriend Greg and I decided to do the long-distance thing after I was accepted to a graduate program 200 miles from where we lived.”
I don’t foresee any problems here. Nope, none at all.
“The first few months were fine, but I soon found myself becoming extremely attracted to my lab partner, Henry. What began as innocent flirting eventually wound up with us in bed.”
You fell for a lab partner named Henry?! By chance was he cooking up GHB?
After the program was over, I returned home to Greg. Being with him was really difficult
So of course you broke up with him.
“but I didn’t break up with him initially because I was still attracted to him, too.”
“I visited Henry a few times, and realized that he was really more of a fling, probably born out of boredom, and that Greg was the one for me.”
Yes, because when she says the one, she means, “Hmmm, maybe I should go visit that guy I cheated on him with a few times. Ugh, I guess this is awkward. I guess Greg is definitely THE ONE.”
“I eventually stopped communicating with Henry.”
“I never told Greg about what happened, which occasionally makes me feel guilty, but I chalk my cheating up to being young and silly. He and I are still together, four years since my program ended.”
Tamara, 33, Portland, OR
I was going to let her pass when she said she was being young and silly, but you have to realize that the bitch was 29 when all this happened. That is not young, nor is cheating “silly,” especially when you’re still dating the guy. Replace “young and silly” with “delusional and selfish,” and I think you may be onto something.
Reason #4: So she’s not left out in the cold
“I began dating Eric shortly after I had been dumped by Dave, my boyfriend of two years. I was devastated and Eric was definitely a rebound thing.”
Hey, we’ve all been there.
“After Eric and I had dated for five months, Dave came back and wanted to give things another shot. I still really missed him, so I began seeing him, but never ended things with Eric.”
God forbid you stay monogamous with the guy who actually wants to be with you.
“I think I sort of kept Eric around for insurance purposes, just in case things didn’t end up well with Dave.”
Some day, when I grow up, I want to meet a special woman. One who considers me to be expendable and an insurance policy when a man who caused her devastation (her words, not mine) shows up five months later, wanting to get back together with her. Ah, true love.
“Dave and I didn’t make it on round two”
“and after Eric discovered through mutual friends that I had been seeing him again, he ended things with me.”
At least someone has some goddamn common sense.
“I definitely learned my lesson about dating two guys at the same time, not to mention trying to rekindle a relationship that’s just plain over.” Jen, 28, Oak Park, IL
Is it any wonder that Ernest Hemingway, an Oak Park native, offed himself shotgun-style?