if you missed, Part 1, fear not because I just linked you. To recap, these are reasons 5-8 of why women cheated on their boyfriends. To be fair, they could have 1000 reasons to cheat and none would make sense. Enjoy.
Reason #5: She deserves better
“When I was younger, I dated a guy named Ethan who was really critical of me. He constantly made little snide comments about my weight, how stupid I was and how clumsy I was.”
Sounds like a healthy relationship so far. To be fair to Ethan, you did write “I was” twice in a sentence.
“For whatever odd reason, I was into him, despite the fact that all of my friends and family hated him.”
“You’re just jealous of our love!”
“One weekend when he was away, I met Will at a party and we completely hit it off.”
I’m assuming he was critical, made snide comments about your weight, and told you how stupid you were. That seems like the recipe for success thus far.
“He was the complete opposite of Ethan kind, sweet and generous, yet completely cool and fun, too. We hung out all weekend and it was like a light bulb went off in my head: This is how mature, relationship-worthy guys act.”
So like a mature, relationship-worthy girl, you broke it off with Ethan before pursuing anything physical with Will.
“I hooked up with Will the night before he left, and broke up with Ethan soon after. Will and I dated for three years and now we’re married.” Allison, 30, New York, NY
“You cheated on your boyfriend to be with me?”
“F-ckin’ sweet. Let’s get married.”
Reason #6: She’s looking for a missing piece
“I’m from Florida, so I adore going to the beach and boating, but my former boyfriend, Chris, a total city boy, hated it. We always argued about where we’d take trips, and he always won.”
Whoa, whoa. Don’t blame Chris because you’re terrible at presenting an argument. You had the beach on your side, which is a lot like persuading someone to either have ice cream or poison.
“About eight months into our dating, I took a trip to Key West with my friends and we chartered a boat for the day. The captain of the boat was this totally hot, complete beach guy for life’ type, and I spent the whole day flirting with him.”
I’m sorry but I can’t picture a captain of a charter boat resembling anything but the Gorton’s fisherman.
“We met him out that night, and he and I got together. I never told Chris about it after I got home and I never felt guilty; I think part of me felt like that’s what Chris got for being so stubborn!”
“Oh, you don’t love the beach? Fine, I’ll just blow someone in the bathroom stall of Fat Tuesdays who does.”
“Chris and I didn’t make it, and after we broke up, I made sure any future boyfriends loved the beach!”
Lizzie, 32, Chicago, IL
Wait, wait. I just spent a whole paragraph reading about her disdain for ex-city slicker boyfriend and her love of the beach. Then, like a bad M. Knight Shyamalan twist, it turns out that our damsel in distress lives in Chicago. Oh Lizzie, you trickster.
Reason #7: To give him a taste of his own medicine
“My last boyfriend was a total player before we got together. I thought I could change him,”
This is too easy.
“but I was wrong. I always heard rumors that he was hooking up with other girls while we were dating, but he always denied it.”
“And I believed him. I mean, why wouldn’t I? What possibly could he have done in his past relationships to lead me to such a conclusion? Yes… what indeed?”
“One night, I got a call from a girl he had been seeing, and she detailed their three-month-long relationship to me and told me about another girl she had discovered he was seeing as well.”
“Oh, that’s right. He was unfaithful BEFORE we started dating. How silly of me.”
“I was so mad that I went out with my friends that night, dressed to kill, and went home with the hottest guy I could find; I felt like it was the least he deserved!”
This kind of grammatical ambiguity amuses me. Kids, let this be a lesson to you. You need to be specific with your pronouns. As it reads now, “the hottest guy” got the “least he deserved,” essentially calling herself ugly and a second choice.
“I loved seeing the look on his face when I told him about what I did and that I knew about the other girls. And then I dumped him!”
Ashante, 25, College Park, GA
“How can I teach him a lesson that cheating is wrong and hurtful? Hmmm, I know. I’ll cheat on him!”
Reason #8: There’s something lacking in the physical department
“My ex was a terrible kisser the worst! I really liked everything else about him, but whenever it came time to get physical, I just cringed.”
And there was no possible sign of this to come before, you know, you agreed to enter a relationship with him?
“One night when I was at a party without him, a bunch of people started this old-school, yet fairly intense game of spin the bottle,”
“Then we played some pin the tail on the donkey, things got fairly crazy when Mary nearly hit me with a plastic bat when she was blindfolded and swinging at the pinata.”
“and I felt like I had to join, as I hadn’t had a decent kiss in a long time!”
This is understandable. Last time I was driving through skid row, I looked out the window and said, “Gosh, I feel like I have to join, I haven’t had a decent crack high in a long time!”
“I probably kissed about 10 guys that night, all of whom were so much better than my ex.”
Enjoy your herpes.
“I ended things pretty quickly after that experience, which made me realize that the physical part of a relationship is truly important.”
Marnie, 26, San Francisco, CA
I’m sure a woman named Marnie from San Francisco is a double-jointed Maxim model with a penchant for making hot wings and giving blowjobs at half time. What a loss for our Casanova.