In the interest of full disclosure, I admit that I have not or cannot do some of the things listed. However, much like Lethal Weapon, I have earned diplomatic immunity by providing you with a comprehensive list of things you should be able to do to be in the man club. If you, like our editor Peter, think we’re merely subscribing to cliched ideals of masculinity, we can take this outside. Alright, brah?
Grow a Beard:
We’re not talking about some bitch-ass Ryan Seacrest five o’clock shadow. Nay, we refer to the kind of beard which could sand a coffee table and be strong enough to rescue drowning pandas at the zoo. Timothy Treadwell might have made the Man Hall of Fame for living with (and eventually getting mauled by) Grizzly bears, but it is Grizzly Adams who we remember most, his beard the stuff of legend.
No beard = DeathÂ Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Beard = Immortal
Tap a Keg:
Few things can beat the sweet sweet taste of a cold beer. However, nothing dampens the experience more when some moron has gotten between you and your (tenth) beer by foaming up the keg. Proper execution is key, for you are a beer ambassador, and the whole party depends upon your finely honed skill.
Throw a Spiral:
Fall means two things: The end of miniskirts and bikinis and the start of football. While the former makes me shed a tear, the latter puts a sparkle in that same eye. Tailgates are essential, and inevitably someone will want to toss the pigskin around. When it’s your turn to catch it, do everyone a favor by returning the throw without struggling like Michael J. Fox at a Jenga tournament. You don’t have to be Dan Marino, but a nice spiral proves you belong at a (real) football game.
This comes with a caveat. While you may know how to drive a manual, the car attached is of equal importance. New Corvette means you have a small penis, while a hybrid means you’re a flavor of the week loser… with a small penis.
Build a Fire:
The Boy Scouts are a paradox. While they teach manly things like hunting, tying knots, and survival, they offset all of that with patches and gay scarves. So unless you were a member (we won’t tell, scouts honor), there’s a good chance you know how to do none of the above and probably can’t build a fire without lighter fluid and matches.
While the latter category frowned upon fire technology, this one embraces it. In fact, the more gadgets and knobs the better, unless your food comes out tasting like Cambodian hooker taint. Important to note, propane is unacceptable for any reason (sorry, Hank Hill).
Win a Fight:
In order to check this off your list, you must fight against someone with equal or greater stature. That means no women. So while you may think you’re Mike Tyson, the only thing you have in common is domestic abuse.