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In case you missed it: The 2008 Fantasy Female Draft

Anyone that has spent 5 minutes watching the NFL/NBA draft realizes how homoerotic commentators can be when they describe the athletic acuity of college prospects. To make it decidedly less gay, the Banned in Hollywood editors have constructed the first ever Female Fantasy Draft. Draft order was predetermined by number of women notched on our belts. Since Peter is still a virgin, he gets first pick.

Round 1: Returner (Woman you can bring home to the parents.)

1. Natalie Portman, Jerusalem, Irsael (Peter)
Reason for drafting: Shes’ hot, a Harvard grad and because she’s Jewish, she’ll like my mom because she can’t stand her own.

SeanThomas: I thought you were part German? That’s going to go over REAL well.
Peter:
No moron, you’re part German. I’m Irish.
SeanThomas: Oh yeah. Well, you’ll be drunk either way.
Brotha Jonze: I’m part German, so you can have her. I look for a woman who can cook, and as a returner, Natalie Portman and my industrial-sized oven wouldn’t get along. I should just invest in a nice Dutch oven to avoid any complications in my future.

2. Scarlett Johansson, New York, New York (SeanThomas)
Reason for drafting: She’s got bust written all over her, and I don’t really mind. Physically gifted, fluid hips, and she’s charming. She wins my dad’s heart without saying a word. Did I mention she dresses classy?

Brotha Jonze: Don’t get me wrong, she looks good now, but give her ten years and those chest hams will sag and she’ll put on a few pounds… which is unacceptable as a returner, you’re looking for quickness in the sack and consistency. Imagine her with a belly, the face just doesn’t hold up.
SeanThomas:
She’s reached her ceiling, I’ll give you that. Hopefully her legs can reach mine.
Brotha Jonze:
Touche, good sir. Touche.

3. Gemma Atkinson, Bury, Greater Manchester, England (Brotha Jonze)

Reason for drafting: Her accent.

SeanThomas: Your parents must subscribe to the “she has an English accent and therefore smart” theory, which most Americans seem to have. Her intelligence is about as real as her chest.
Brotha Jonze:
Which is perfect because I get all the benefits of others thinking she’s smart without actually being so. Why would you want a smart girl, Sean? If you dated a smart chick, she’d leave you before you got her in bed.
SeanThomas:
Gemma seems to dig the soccer players. On the bright side, you might be the first straight guy she’s screwed.
Peter: Enjoy your raging case of the Cristiano Ronaldo strain.
Brotha Jonze:
Hey, at least AIDS kills you. Better than living the rest of your life with a bumpy dick right?

Round 2: Shortstop (Woman under 5’2″)

1. Jaime Hammer, Chicago, Illinois (Brotha Jonze)

Reason for drafting: At 5’2″ and 34DD, I don’t know how she manages to stay upright. It’s great because she’ll be anxious to get on her back… Plus I already know what she looks like naked… which is nice (See JaimeHammer.com)

SeanThomas: Sorry, you won’t be able to have sex with Jaime. for you are not a) a porn star or b) her uncle. Enjoy your therapy sessions.
Brotha Jonze:
Hey, as long as it’s massage therapy I’m cool.
Peter:
Picking a porn star is a risky move, they’re known to have character issues, but they are team players.
Brotha Jonze: And disease free.
SeanThomas:
I hear she handles the tip drill well.
Brotha Jonze:
As well as my massive drill tip.

2. Hayden Panettiere, Palisades, New York (SeanThomas)

Reason for drafting: At 5’2 and only 18 years young, she’s got a great upside and even better backside. She saves dolphins (not the NFL variety, that’s impossible) for chrissakes. God made this perfect creature for me, and I shall take her god. I shall take her.

Peter: Sean continues his draft philosophy of taking girls right out of high school, and the occasional sixteen year old Dominican.
Brotha Jonze:
Erroneous, the Dominican was actually a 23 year old Dodger prospect. A big mistake that, if you don’t remember, disqualified him from the 2003 draft. As far as high school goes though, he’s trying to get what he couldn’t when he went to high school.
SeanThomas:
I subscribe to the Chris Hanson school of drafting, scout them when they’re young, pick them when they’re ripe.
Brotha Jonze:
… and if one of then turns out to be a 23 year old Dominican male, roll with it.
SeanThomas:
Don’t hate the player, hate the penis.

Between Picks:
Peter:
Goddamn it, she’s 5’3.”
Brotha Jonze:
Who?
Peter: Emmanuelle Chriqui.
SeanThomas: Just take the wife from Little People, Big World and get it over with.
Brotha Jonze:
Haha
SeanThomas:
On a side note, Jaime Hammer majored in communications at Arizona State. I don’t know which is a worse bottom; majoring in communications at ASU or being a porn star. My money’s on the former.
Brotha Jonze:
Well yea, softcore ain’t that bad. ASU, whole different story.
SeanThomas:
“I went on to graduate in the spring of 2004 Cum Laude with a BA in communications.” It’s only a matter of time before she starts hardcore.

3. Reese Witherspoon, New Orleans, Louisiana (Peter)

Reason for drafting: I have a candy fetish and want to call a girl’s Reese’s Pieces in bed.

SeanThomas: If you’re going the candy route, at least go for Heather Graham, she was Roller-girl for chrissakes. Instead you pick an over 30 divorcee with a kid?
Brotha Jonze:
Plus she sounds like a mixture between Miss Piggy and Felix the Cat. Though to a man with a fetish, sounding like a barnyard animal probably isn’t such a bad thing.
SeanThomas: That’s not even counting her singing voice. Johnny Cash would beat her with the butt-end of his guitar if he was still alive for that atrocious performance.
SeanThomas:
I see her listed at 5’3, again you’re trying to squeeze an inch on someone. Too bad we’re not your gullible ex-girlfriend.
SeanThomas:
Peter, if you have any retorts, please feel free. If not, i haven’t seen a raping that bad since Kobe was released inside the Bunny Ranch.
Peter:
I didn’t even realize that was an insult. I’m kind of a skimmer. When I saw “squeezing an inch” and “ex girlfriend” I assume Sean was bitching about his sex life again. Impressive muscle control on that girl, though.
Brotha Jonze:
“Ex girlfriend” should have tipped that Sean wasn’t in the equation.

Round 3: Long Reliever (Tall Woman)

Between Picks:
Peter: What qualifies for tall girl?
SeanThomas:
5’11 and above.
Peter: 5’11”? You f-cker. Make it 5’10”.
SeanThomas: You’re not allowed to pick siblings, anyway.

1. Mandy Moore, Nashua, New Hampshire (Peter)

Reason for drafting: She’s 5’11.”

Brotha Jonze: Damn! Never knew she was that tall.
SeanThomas:
There should be an automatic DQ for being associated with A Walk to Remember.
Peter:
Yeah, I’ll give her A Cock to Remember.
Brotha Jonze:
Not that 1″ BS again…
SeanThomas:
Yeah, I doubt she’s seen one that small. That’s bound to emotionally scar anyone.
Peter:
Plus I can marry her, have her die off in a year, and I get all her sh-t.
SeanThomas:
Your wardrobe lacking sequins gowns these days? That’s about all she’s got to offer besides her bad choice in men.
Brotha Jonze:
Which would surprisingly give Peter a shot.

2. Maria Sharapova, Siberia, Russia (SeanThomas)


Reason for drafting:
At an amazing 6’1, Ronald Reagan wouldn’t hate the reds so much if he knew they’d produce this babe. Quite the forehand, I hear. That and it’s easy living off her $23 million salary. Hey, someone has to support the couch and TV…

Peter: And as an upside, you can get a lucrative contract with Canon to be the next insignificant and annoying pet that she lets watch when she has sex.
SeanThomas:
As long as i have some place to sit and a box of tissues handy…
Brotha Jonze:
Tissues to clean up some other guys mess?
SeanThomas:
I heard she’s a squirter, just doing my part.
Brotha Jonze: Ok, I get it, like the ball boys that run across the grass at Wimbledon.

3. Janet Reno, Miami, Florida (Brotha Jonze)

Reason for drafting: Coming in at an astounding 6’3″ and weighing upwards of 230 lbs, I choose Janet Reno as the closing pick of the 3rd round. Frankly I’m surprised this workhorse didn’t go earlier.

SeanThomas: Veteran pick, I like the experience.
Peter: You can only pick Reno for tall if you pick Albright for shortstop. You can call your bitches “The Cabinet.”
Brotha Jonze: Which, unfortunately, is where I will have to keep them if I keep choosing cattle like Reno.
SeanThomas: On the downside, if you pick Eva Mendes in a future round, she’ll send her ass packing back to Cuba.
Peter:
I feel like Reno can carry the load for your team.
Brotha Jonze: Which is great because i don’t want her near my load. Strategy over sexuality, boys.

Round 4: Tightend (Best ass)

1. Brittany Daniel, Gainesville, Florida (Brotha Jonze)

Reason for drafting: I officially select Brittany Daniel with long hair because she has a smokin’ body and was in one episode of “Still the Beaver.”

Peter: She also played a tranny on “Always Sunny,” which I’m guessing is when you took an interest in her.
SeanThomas: Pre-op is just investing early. It’s like getting shares of Google in ’04.
Brotha Jonze:
Right, or entering your senior year of college while dating a high school chick. Got to get ‘um fresh.
SeanThomas:
I’m curious, after the operation, do you use the penis as wall decoration or do you throw it into your jambalaya?
Brotha Jonze: Sautee it with the sausage and shellfish, you’ll never know the difference.

2. Keyra Agustina, Buenos Aires, Argentina (SeanThomas)

Reason for drafting: With the second selection of the 4th round, I’m going out of the country to Argentina. She’s a sleeper pick (and can use her caboose as a pillow). If you don’t know her ass, Google it. It appears more times than her face.

Brotha Jonze:That ass hasn’t seen pants in so long, it’s oxidizing.
SeanThomas: There aren’t enough Chinese laborers in the world to sew her a pair of pants to fit that thing.
Brotha Jonze: Tell that to Oprah.
SeanThomas: Yeah, but she outsources to Africa. What, you thought that school was free?

3. Jessica Biel, Ely, Minnesota (Peter)

Reason for drafting: A girl who agreed to be in Stealth will agree to do anything.

SeanThomas: I’m not surprised Peter took Biel. He loves Justin Timberlake’s sloppy seconds. You thought those were Federline’s kids? The cleft palate and bangs were a dead giveaway it was Peter.
Brotha Jonze: That’s a great point Sean, and based on Timberlake’s Track record (see: Britney Spears) Biel’s degeneration has already begun.
SeanThomas:
The Peter Principle in action.

Round 5: Special Teams (Girl with a handicap)

1. Marlee Matlin, Morton Grove, Illinois (Peter)

Reason for drafting: The thought of that voice talking dirty makes me giggle.

SeanThomas: It’s a good thing she’s deaf because she won’t be able to hear you cry after sex.
Brotha Jonze:
It is nice to see a celebrity with some humility. Her next film, “Silent Knights” hits box offices later this year.

2. Jennifer Krum, Harrisburg, Pennsylvania (SeanThomas)

Reason for drafting: The first of Howard Stern’s Miss Amputee. She’s got a wicked stiff arm. Plus she was in Playboy, that fulfills two fantasies.

Peter: Finally Sean has found a girl who can get her elbow past his sphincter.
SeanThomas:
We can’t all be as loose as you.

Between picks:
SeanThomas:
Ten bucks he’s going to take Corky from Life Goes On.

3. Agusta Urica, Luanda, Angola (Brotha Jonze)

Reason for drafting: I see you’re Miss Amputee and raise you Miss Landmine 2008.

SeanThomas: I thought about Agusta, but i want a woman with more agility.
Brotha Jonze: Something necessary for special teams. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,345628,00.html
Peter:
Of course its on Fox News.
SeanThomas: I guess she doesn’t fit the profile for being fair or balanced. Timber!
Brotha Jonze:
That’s true, but “Urica, who is unemployed and represents the capital, Luanda, also won $1,000, a motorbike, clothes, a weekend in a luxury hotel and a variety of domestic appliances.”
Peter: A motorbike? Do they want her to be the kickstand?
SeanThomas:
I love how she gets domestic appliances, though. That’s like saying “you’re pretty much useless as a human being, we hope you like to cook and clean.”

Round 6: Designated Hitter (Woman who does drugs)

1. Mo’Nique, Woodlawn, Maryland (Peter)


Reason for drafting:
I’m about to head out, so I’m going to trade up to this draft slot and take Mo’Nique as my designated hitter, for the sole reason that she looks like David Ortiz.

SeanThomas: Designated hitter is someone who does drugs, which explains your last pick, I guess.
Peter: Horse tranquilizers count.
SeanThomas:
Going on a date with Sarah Jessica Parker tonight?

2. Charlize Theron, Benoni, South Africa (Brotha Jonze)

Reason for drafting: One thing a good DH is, is resourceful and flexible. You’re not playing everyday and so as my final pick I am going with Charlize Theron because hitting an apple is clutch, what else do you need from your DH?

SeanThomas: Well, at least Charlize smokes from apples, Gweneth Paltrow names her kids after them.

3. Tara Conner, Dallas, Texas (SeanThomas)

Reason for drafting: The former Miss USA winner is a bisexual coke addict.

Brotha Jonze: Is she a pageant winner or student at USC? I don’t expect her to go outside the foul lines often, she’ll probably just snort them.

Draft Summary:
Peter – Natalie Portman (Returner), Reese Witherspoon (Shortstop), Mandy Moore (Long Reliever), Jessica Biel (Tight End), Marlee Matlin (Special Teams), Mo’Nique (Designated Hitter)

SeanThomas – Scarlett Johansson (Returner), Hayden Panettiere (Shortstop), Maria Sharapova (Long Reliever), Keyra Agustina (Tight End), Jennifer Krum (Special Teams), Tara Conner (Designated Hitter)

Brotha Jonze – Gemma Atkinson (Returner), Jaime Hammer (Shortstop), Janet Reno (Long Reliever), Brittany Daniel (Tight End), Agusta Urica (Special Teams), Charlize Theron (Designated Hitter)
Who had the best draft? Comment below and win a chance to win the clap from Brotha Jonze.
  • stupid

    You guys sound like stupid motherfuckas!

  • stupid

    You guys sound like stupid motherfuckas!

  • Well that’s just like, your opinion, man.

  • Well that’s just like, your opinion, man.

  • Well that’s just like, your opinion, man.

  • Jazz

    Well..that’s a sadly foreseen lack of response. Can’t you guys come up with something original, other than lame implications/accusations of lacking penis size and oversized bed partners?
    Shit.

  • Jazz

    Well..that’s a sadly foreseen lack of response. Can’t you guys come up with something original, other than lame implications/accusations of lacking penis size and oversized bed partners?
    Shit.

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