If Los Angeles Had A Football Team…

Because naming a team from Los Angeles The Rams makes about as much sense as seeing a Matthew McConaughey flick, the team at Banned In Hollywood decided to come up with some suggestions for an LA football team name based on the virtuous Los Angeles reputation.

And because Pittsburgh is known for its thieves, Kansas City for its Police squad and Green Bay for its gay district, we decided that looking to what the great city of Los Angeles has to offer would inspire us.

The Los Angeles Failed Actors AKA the LA Thespians:

When considering what the LA Failed Actors uniform would be, I exhausted myself because actors wear so many different costumes. But then I realized that the most common outfit actors in Los Angeles wear are waiter’s clothes. Think about it, it’s perfect – The Cincinnati Bengals aren’t actually Tigers, they just dress up that way. And similarly, the LA Failed Actors aren’t really Waiters, they just dress that way, because in reality they’re actors, failed or not.

The only problem the Failed Actors might face as a team, could be their reliability on the field; they’d constantly be showing up late because they couldn’t afford cars so they’d ride bikes, and always miss games for auditions that they never would end up getting.

The Los Angeles Scenesters:

The LA Scenesters may run into problems because, as a general rule, emo scenesters don’t do helmets. In order to look as good as they think they do, they have to flat-iron half of their hair, then flap-jack it to one side, spike the tail of their man-mullet (pronounced Moo-Lei), and feather the other half of their hair, all the while leaving time to iron their black, collard Hot Topic shirt, put on their skinny tie, throw on their scarf and blazer and drive to the gas station to fill up their Scion XB and buy cigarettes. On the one hand however, they’ll already have the really tight pants and black eye makeup.

Plus, like the Arizona Diamondbacks being nicknamed the D-Backs, we could nickname the Los Angeles Scenesters the D-Bags.

The LA Addicts:

Because the entire Spears family would have defense under control, and the Lohan family, offense, a bench filled with the likes of Gary Busey, Nick Nolte, David Hasselhoff, Matthey Perry, Robert Downey Jr, Tim Allen, Eddie Van Halen, Nicole Richie, Kate Moss, Drew Barrymore, Whitney Houston, Colin Farrell, and Keith Richards could do what prison does to criminals, to celebrities trying to get clean – and I’m not talking about anal sex.

That said, keeping Hasselhoff on the bench is probably a good thing. We all saw how he handled that burger, just imagine him with the pigskin.

The Anaheim Angels of Los Angeles:

Not that anyone would want to be associated with Anaheim if they didn’t have to, this is more of a revenge name. As far as I’m (and city boundaries) concerned, there is only one baseball team in Los Angeles and they’re called the Dodgers. So to get back at the Angel baseball team, the The Anaheim Angels of Los Angeles football team could do to their uniforms, what the Anaheim Angel baseball team did to Los Angeles – downright steal.

This is definitely my favorite idea, but let’s entertain one last possible LA football team.

The Los Angeles Aliens (not that kind):

The great thing about illegally owning the Los Angeles Aliens is that you could get away with paying the league minimum… for one player, distributed throughout the entire team. Additionally, if a player were to get injured, you could just run down to Home Depot and pick out a replacement. However, they may be a difficult bunch to coach because of both the language barrier and because Horchata doesn’t have the same replenishing nutrients that Gatorade has. No mames.

The upside? Yell “la migra!” and Jose the running back will shift it into 6th gear.

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