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Facebook Items Guaranteed To Be Lies

5) Relationship Status

At the time of this writing, only two states in the country have legalized gay marriage, yet 90% of college aged women claim to be married to their best female friends. This is a factual impossibility, no matter how many bumper stickers written by total strangers are sent back and forth as if they were inside jokes. Additionally, if more men actually married their “shorties” instead of figuring that nicknaming her “wifey” is close enough, we might not have a single mother epidemic.

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The Lie:

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4) Friends

Primate research suggests that there is a finite number of others we are capable of caring for and maintaining emotional connections to, but Facebook research indicates differently. Fortunately my massive primate brain is able to handle a near infinite number of bullsh-t claims, the thousand-friend-myth among them. This isn’t even remotely true.

The Lie                                                     The Truth

It doesn’t help that 982 of those photos are actually of his custom built PC which he has named Jerome Jr.

3) Looking for

America’s sexual dysfunction and uptight puritan morals rear their heads once more. Despite the pictures of getting black out drunk and licking some guys nipples, and the routine enthusiastic remembrances of slutty behavior that passes for wall posting, most women find their alcohol fueled courage wavering when it comes to actually admitting “for serious” their sexual preferences. It would be simply unladylike to come out and say that one was looking for “random play” or “whatever she can get”. Those would be the words of a wanton and uncouth woman, one of far less culture and standing than the “classy ladies” that populate our American universities. Friendship or A Relationship it is.

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2) Picture Captions

I’m not sure why people even attempt to lie here, it’s not like you stand a chance of getting away with it. A picture is worth a thousand words and you’re going to try and counter-argue with less than a sentence? Captions are so useless that most websites hide them somewhere in the code and are only there so that they can be used by the visually impaired. But Facebook provides the opportunity to caption, and thus Facebookers are obliged to place egregious untruths therein.

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1) Favorite Books

Judging from the way they write, few people on Facebook are even literate, and of those that are, no one actually liked The Catcher in the Rye. You just put it on there because you needed something to balance out the seven Harry Potter books. You’re not fooling anyone by putting your high school English syllabus on your Facebook profile.

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