An Open Letter to In-N-Out

Dear Demagogues of In-N-Out,

Since moving to California in the summer of 2001, I have had the pleasure of experiencing your restaurant unlike many of my fellow compatriots along the eastern seaboard and flyover states. Though I am an atheist, I have never batted an eye about the Bible passages emblazoned on the cups and wrappers. Who has time to pick up a Bible and read when you’re busy choking down food like it’s the last supper meal you’ll ever receive? Full admission, In-N-Out is the closest I have ever come to touching god, a god covered in cheese and saucy spread.

But upon my last visit, I had a revelation of my own. I ordered my typical double-double animal style with a strawberry shake when it hit me. Bacon. The bacon didn’t hit me literally, for I would’ve been the first ever to be hospitalized by deliciousness. Nay, like a peyote desert vision, it came to me. What could possibly improve an In-N-Out burger more than bacon? Like all things in the universe, the answer comes back to bacon. And 42. 42 strips of lightly crisped pork.

This doesn’t need to be a permanent addition to the menu. You may tease us with its presence seasonally, like a spring breeze lightly billowing a skirt on a pair of tanned California legs. You could make it a seven day affair, like ‘Shark Week’ on Discovery Channel with ketchup substituted for chum. Quite possibly, you could only allow it for only a day, like the celebration of the birth of your Lord and Savior. Merry Baconmas.

If the worry is freshness, fear not my carnivorous friends: bacon can be refrigerated up to 2 weeks. Not that you’d have to worry about storing the bacon for long, since every red-blooded American will request demand those strips of salty swine faster than you could keep it in stock.

Below, you will find other patrons of your restaurant who have signed an internet petition, which is about as worthless a communications degree from Arizona State. Nevertheless, you will find that support is far-reaching and open like the legs of a communications major at Arizona State (Just kidding, you know I love you, ladies).

Deliciously yours,

Banned readers: You know what to do. Sign the petition here.

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