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6 Signs The US Dollar Sucks

[digg-me]Few things positive come from a declining economy, except saving money on dates. I was cheap before but now I have a legitimate excuse for taking girls to Taco Tuesday. If you don’t like it, you can pay for the next date. Banned In Hollywood presents the 6 Signs the US Dollar Sucks (alternatively, 6 Signs the US Dollar makes for Better Toilet Paper than Currency).

6. The Canadian Dollar – Remember when books and magazines had two prices listed, the US dollar and the Canadian? You probably chuckled to yourself knowing those Eskimos had to pay more. No one’s laughing now because that Monopoly money (Also known as the “loony.” No, seriously.) has overtaken our very own George Washington. I, for one, will not stand for this. First you push Celine Dion and Alanis Morissette on us and now we’re supposed to roll over while your dollar trumps ours? Nay, my beady-eyed friends, nay.

Solution: Invade Canada. Do they even have an army? They can only hope our tanks get stuck in their maple syrup.

5. Strippers – There are a few things Americans hold near and dear to their hearts. Baseball, jazz, apple pie, and fake tits. Last time I tried to indulge myself in a face full of stripper glitter, I was informed that they don’t accept US treasury notes anymore. How do those well-to-do harlots know that the Federal Reserve has been printing excess dollars? Maybe they are paying for college after all…

Solution: Pay them in gold.* At least you’ll be able to convince yourself that those are nuggets in her panties and not a sign that she needs to refill her Valtrex prescription.

4. 99 Cent Store – We all know that spatula you bought was made in China and contains lead paint, but hey! You got it for a dollar, you can use the money you save on medical bills. With a rise in inflation, though, 99 cents don’t buy what it used to.

Solution: Steal. Oh come on, they don’t have cameras. Little known fact: their employees make 99 cents an hour and the sweatshop workers make that in a week. I’m pretty sure they could give a f-ck less about your thieving ass. They’ve got Sodoku puzzles to solve.

3. The Six Dollar Burger – What started off as a promotion by Carl’s Jr. to compare their cheaper, tastier burgers to ones you’d buy for $6 at a sit-down restaurant has turned into the greatest of red meat irony. The burger is now ever-so-close to being $6 itself.

Solution: Get a job at Carl’s. Free food and an opportunity to learn Spanish, since you ditched class in high school to get stoned in the parking lot.

Alternate Solution: Pull the ‘ol switcharoo. Dig through the garbage outside and get one of the $6 dollar burger boxes. Buy a cheaper, less satisfying burger and put it inside. Explain to the cashier that you want a new burger or you’re going to evoke the homosexual hating spirit of Carl Karcher.

2. Bums – The only people that ask for change more often than Barack Obama are the no-good hobos in Los Angeles. Just the other day, I was walking through Santa Monica when a bum asked me for not one, but two dollars.

Solution: Zyclon B.

1. Gas – Things have gotten so bad, our government is considering a gas tax holiday. Yes, holiday. Which shall heretofore be known as gas-mas. Late at night, when all the children are sleeping, the OPEC fairy comes and sprinkles crude oil on all the children’s noses. When they awake, the children are speechless but mostly high from the fumes. The parents jump up in down in excitement as they proclaim “Huzzah!” and all is right with the world.

Solution: Burn them at the stake! Alright, who’s buying the gasoline?

*Note: The first stripper that sends me nude photos gets my grandfather’s fillings. In an unrelated note, anyone have a shovel and pliers?

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