15. The Treehugger
Tie your beater to a tree. What are the chances of someone taking the time to cut down a tree in order to untie your car for easier theft? According to this picture – 1:1.
14. The Beater On A Leash
Rope your car by the wheel to a telephone pole, that way, if someone breaks into your car and steals it, they won’t get very far with a one-ton pole in tow. The downside? Frame damage, axle repair, phone pole replacement, and having to explain to all you’re friends why you have a sixty foot, bright yellow rope on your back seat.
13. The Dish Wheel Dipshit
Purchase the Dish Wheel to ensure your stereo is the only thing stolen. The type of person who buys this: The dedicated Club fan that wants something more streamlined. Also the type of person that shouts, “hey asshole, I’m making it this much more difficult for you to steal my car, but this much more attractive for you to steal everything inside.”
12. The Mystery Rims
Strap newspapers or other square cardboard object to wheels for protection against thieves. Why: We are still not completely sure…
11. The Hooked On Change
Loop it to a parking meter. This is mostly to make it appear as though the car is secure, when in actuality, all that a witless thief has to do is slip the loop over the top of the meter. Genius.
10. The Prison That Ride
Safeguard your windows. If this car were in Los Angeles, every window would be broken but nothing would be stolen. In the mind of the owner, this must be a success…
9. The Self Destructor
How it works: When someone breaks your windows and steals your car and they throw it into first, the wheel tugs on the chain which in turn tugs on the rear bumper. When the bumper reaches its breaking point, the wheel sucks it underneath the tire and shatters it. Free from the bumper, the chain then rotates with the accelerated wheel, thrashing the side of your car and ripping off all the paint.
If you manage to recover your car, it will look like fucksake. So just hope that the thieves cut your chain to prevent causing you more trouble than stealing your car already does.
8. The Steering Wheel Pot Pie
This one might actually work. Seriously.
If I could tell what was going on here, I would write something more insightful.
6. The Quiet Exploder
This is called the Surprise Attack. When an unsuspecting thief steals your car, either the road comes with it, or the frame of the car stays behind.
In the event your car doesn’t get stolen, don’t forget you strapped your car to the floor. Also, if your car does get stolen, hope that the road comes with it to avoid repairs that cost more than your pile.
5. The Bike That Lock
Things to remember for next time: lock the bike up, not just the tires.
4. The Petty Protector
High ticket item. Most frequently used as a prank aimed at a wasted friend. Try locking a passed-out, bracelet-wearing friend to the refrigerator for best results.
3. The Alternate Entrance
Windows were made to be broken. Sadly, if someone is willing to steal your car, they won’t mind bashing your windows in.
2. The When One Is Not Enough
A bit excessive…
1. The Douche That Bike
The good news: Your bike didn’t get stolen.
The bad news: You’re riding home with thirty pounds of steel rope around your waist, and you’re a douchebag.
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