1 I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
2. An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a beer. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey ‘Keep, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. And in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
- The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
- The bouncer is a blonde girl.
- I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
- The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
“Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and utters, “No… not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
3. Little Billy wakes up in the middle of the night and hears strange sounds coming from his parents’ bedroom. He sneaks up and nudges open the door, and sure enough, Mom’s got her legs wide open and Dad is plowing her like there’s no tomorrow. Billy sees this, gasps and runs away.
Dad just chuckles, but Mom slaps him and says “Honey, you’d better go and talk to Billy, I’m afraid we’ve upset him!”.
So Dad walks down the hall to Billy’s room, to find he’s not there. So he walks further down the hall and hears strange noises from the guest room. So he sneaks up and nudges the door open to find little Billy pumping away, pounding his grandmother hard in the @ss. Dad shouts “Billy! What the hell is wrong with you!”
Billy looks over his shoulder and replies “Yeah, not so funny when it’s YOUR mom, is it?”
4. A guy and a girl get on an elevator in a hospital. The guy hits three, and asks the girl “which floor?” to which she replies “Four, please.”
Making conversation, the girl says “I’m here to give blood. What are you here for?”
The guy says “I’m actually here to donate sperm. They give me eighty dollars for it.”
The girl goes, “Huh. I only get ten dollars for giving plasma.” They get off the elevators on their respective floors.
The next week, the same guy gets on the elevator to go give sperm again. Lo and behold, the same girl gets on. “Nice to see you again. What floor, miss?”
“Mmmmph!”, she says, and holds up three fingers.
5. The United States Secretary of Defense is giving President Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.”
“OH NO!” the President exclaims. “That’s terrible!”
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, “How many is a brazillion?”
6. An Asian Guy goes to see his eye doctor because he’s been having vision problems. After the examination, the doctor says, “Well sir, I found your problem — you have a cataract.”
The man says, “Must be some mistake, doctor — I drive a Rincoln.”
7. Q. Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
A. Because she’s a woman.
8. An old man goes to his doctor. The doctor says “i got some bad news for you. you have Cancer and you have Alzheimer’s.” And the old man says “at least i don’t have Cancer.”
9. Why men make better friends:
A woman stays out all night and the next day tells her husband she stayed over a friend’s house. Her husband calls around to ten of her friends and they know nothing about it.
A man stays out all night and the next day tells his wife he stayed over a friend’s house. She calls ten of his friends, eight confirm that he slept over, two claim that he’s still there.
10. Women’s Rights.